I'm Caity, a 25 year old living in New York with my husband, Josh. I'm a math teacher, amateur photographer, gamer, dreamer, blogger, singer, self-proclaimed dork, and wannabe kiwi. I sparkle!
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I’m just not comfortable with myself.
I realized today I am so insecure that I keep interpreting the things that people say to me as personal attacks even when this is not the case. There can really come a point that your self worth is so low that you really start to not be able to see any positive qualities in yourself and therefore see words that others say towards you in a different light.
I had someone who follows me on Facebook ask why I took so many photos of myself yesterday. Their question was of an inquisitive nature. I realize now that they merely were wondering if I just was starving for subject matter, enjoyed taking photos of myself, or had some other sort of reason. I immediately felt attacked and assumed that this person thought I was narcissistic, materialistic, and maladjusted. I felt cornered and offended, not knowing what to say or feel.
What I did end up doing I now regret. I attacked back. I told her that I was often taken aback by her comments and felt attacked by them and that generally her comments made me feel uncomfortable. What I realize now is that I’m just not comfortable with myself. She asks me real questions about myself and not just the everyday “how are you” or “what did you eat for dinner today” like everyone else does. I realize now that I am not comfortable with her questions because I’m not comfortable with myself.
To answer her question, though, in case you were curious, I’m participating in a Flickr 365 where I am taking a photo of myself every day for an entire year. You can see my set here: Caity’s 365 Flickr Set
Related posts:
- Snapple Fact #698
- Still dining out!
- Just remember to breathe.
- The last day of classes.
- A new curry and insubordination!
It can be so hard to 110% love yourself all of the time. And people also have a tendency to be vague, or to hide mean comments by making them sarcastic or obscure. It’s almost impossible to tell over the Internet too.
I hope you know that, from what you’ve presented to everyone here, I can say with confidence that we all adore you <3.
I saw the comment that person posted, and to be honest…. I would have reacted the EXACT same way. I don’t think you’re reading negatively into things. It was very nebulous, and when someone acts that way, I don’t think they’re being inquisitive. I think they think exactly what you thought they thought.
On the other hand, it’s rare but possible they don’t know how they’re coming off, in which case, they deserve to be misunderstood for not being clear.
Anyone who doesn’t know about the 365 project wouldn’t understand why a person would take a daily mug shot, so it makes sense to wonder. I don’t think you reacted poorly at all, so don’t beat yourself up about it. The person didn’t deny it either or clarify.
I’m with Sara… if someone had asked me that, I would have lashed back. There is one person I do it to in particular; whenever I have a status update about how sad I am or something he’ll always comment with a joke, and I’ll verbally bash him for it and curse him out. Only after do I realize that he is just trying to cheer me up.
In any case, I have always admired you for being able to take pictures of yourself. For one thing, you’re gorgeous and you know it (I love your eyes; brown is such a boring eye color but what can an Asian do aside from colored contacts? :P ). I, for one, hate taking pictures of myself. I don’t like having my picture taken by anyone. You might have noticed I don’t have a lot of pictures of myself on Facebook, aside from one from Disneyland. That’s why >.<
I’m not sure if I’ve posted a coment on your blog before, but I read it regularly and from what I’ve seen here, you’re a beautiful person, inside and out. I hope you can find the confidence to see that in yourself :)
I agree with Sara as well. I would have reacted the same way. Usually if someone asks why you’re taking so many pictures of yourself, they really do think you’re narcissistic.
I get like that sometimes too. God just created some of us more sensitive to make the world a better place for others. What seems like a draw-back now is actually the exact place we need to be in our life path.
A couple of my regular commenters actually make me a bit uneasy too. I’ve never told anybody that before! See what a healing being you are.) Oh, YOU are never ever one of those commenters I speak of!! Your comments are as sweet as you are.
xo
Yeah, we all have these days when we don’t feel so great about ourselves. Don’t worry about it. If that person is a good friend of yours she’ll understand and put it all behind her.
I think everyone goes through phases where they are less sure of themselves. Sometimes it can be a useful catalyst to making a positive change, kind of like how you’ve done the hard work to become vegan! You have a lot to be proud of Caity, and I can’t wait to see your confidence grow as you continue your adventures!
Hey Caity. How you been darling? Thanks for the comment. Hoping to blog regulary again. Really need to add your link to my sidebar, seeing that we’re both regular readers of each other.
People ask me that question a lot. Sometimes I take it offensively, I guess it depends on the context of the question. Some people can be nasty, but in a very discreet way. I would’ve felt the same way as you. It’s an odd question to ask someone.
Confidence comes, and sometimes it’s goes. In my opinion we can’t really help or expect how we will react to comments, questions and criticism. Sometimes it just hurts and we have to question it.
I always have this problem myself. i think it was because i was picked on so much when i was a little kid (never understood why…) now I just don’t trust people, cant ever just take things at face value…cant believe anyone who says anything nice
well i try. i guess its gotten better…
Oh, I think Flickr 365 would be so hard. There are days when I really really don’t want to see myself in a photo. You’re actually brave for doing that, I think!
I think everyone feels like that sometimes!
The written word is terrible for communicating the intent of a message, be it narky or inquisitive or totally innocent. The person *may* have been being trite as some suggest… I think your reaction is understandable so don’t worry about it too much.
You’re right in knowing it is how you deal with it that counts, it is your self confidence and self worth that needs boosting, because if anyone tries to knock you down for whatever reason, it is *you* that needs to resilience to get back up.
I think it’s obvious from your readers that many people know you have a lot to give and are a great person, so as long as you can see that in yourself it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says or does.
Much harder to follow this philosophy in reality!
I am so sorry to find that you feel not confident, but it is a common feeling to have. Blogging is hard because we begin it for ourselves, but then other people read it and know all our vulnerabilites. I think the important thing is to be true to yourself, your heart and your desires. There will always be mean and conceited people out there- in the Real and on the Web. Don’t give into them in either place (like you did with that driver who’s kid threw stuff at your car!)
You are a beautiful person Caity, you have talents, are vibrant, you feel things, love and are loved. You write beautifully, show empathy, and open your mind to knew discoveries. We’ll always have some bad, frustrating days when others will succeed in making us feel 2 ft tall, but those days are only to remind us to appreciate and dwell in the good days! Your are special, beautiful, a role-model, determined, fun. continue to be the lovely, postive, eager Caity we love to read @ caity.nu because even if I don’t know you for ‘real’ I feel like I do and you do inspire me. (and even on your bad days you seem to always try to end on a positive note!) so Believe in yourself!! Your ARE something special!